Firstly, we need to remember that the teenage years are not all problems. Storms and turbulence there may be, but there will also be times of calmness and friendliness, of closeness and affection. In fact, many teenagers come through these years with skill and ease. The teens are not an isolated period in a youngster’s life. They are simply a special stage in the continuous process of his growth toward adulthood. How intensely a teenager rebels will depend on his past experience, on how much scope for independence he has already had, and on the kind of relationship that has grown up between child and parent over the years.

Communication between parent and teenager is mutual respect. We need to be willing to listen to our teenager, to examine his point of view, to show him that we respect his views and feelings. We need to let him know that, although we may not always agree with him, we respect his right to feel and think as he does. Perhaps our viewpoint is more reasonable. But when we tell our children, “You don’t know what you are talking about,” or “We know better than you are,” we lock the door on communication. A young teenager still needs the security that comes from group acceptance.

Whereas communication now will be much easier if we have established an environment of friendly respect and cooperation while a child was growing up, it is never too late to start. We can make up for past mistakes if we are willing to acknowledge them. We shouldn’t be afraid to tell our children: When we admit our mistakes, when we can say, “I’m sorry”— and mean it—our credibility with our children goes up. It is when parents strive always to appear in the right that they run the risk of losing their children’s respect.

Your teenager needs your help with the controls¾though he would never admit it—and he will appreciate your support in establishing firm and worthwhile guides that he can follow. Those guidelines can be open to discussion and adjustment, but the important thing is that they exist. It is when parents sidestep their responsibility in these areas that their child gets the feeling that you don’t care about them. Guidelines can make you seem stern, but they prove you care.

Teenagers have a continuing need for the security of knowing that they are wanted, loved, and accepted by their parents. They need to know that we appreciate their feelings, and view their problems with compassion. But here we need to tread carefully. Listening sympathetically when your youngster wants to confide in you is one thing— constant probing of his feelings is quite another. Privacy is important to a teenager. He doesn’t want to feel that his parents can see through him, that they understand everything about him. To him, his emotions are unique, mysterious, and personal. Far better, then, to demonstrate that we accept those feelings than to analyze, judge, or belittle them.

The lines of communication are open, so mother and daughter are having a heart-to-heart chat that draws them closer as human beings. When the lines of communications are closed, father and son find that they can’t talk out the problem.

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